windows to the sea

Every time I visit Aberdeen, the sun is shining.  Although I am assured that this is rare enough, the Aberdeen of my imagination sparkles with quartz-flecked granite, sudden weather and a cold, blue sea.


Powis Gates

With time to spend exploring last week, and an unshaken conviction that I take the Scottish sunshine with me, I set out on foot to wander through the cobbled streets of Old Aberdeen, down to the river Don and, eventually, to the sea.  This part of town is home to the university, one of the oldest in the country.  As my Scotsman loves to point out, for a moment in the C16th, the city of Aberdeen had as many universities as the whole of England.  The buildings, made from hard granite, have none of the crumbling benevolence of their English contemporaries; the crisp details of their carvings creates a strange dissonance with the knowledge of their age.

I love it here.  I daydream about moving into one of these old granite houses, working in the wonderful Elphinstone Institute, wearing woolly cardigans and drinking Speyside malts by an open fire in the evening (the Scotsman mutters darkly about Aberdonian winters, but for the sake of this daydream I am choosing to ignore him).

Past the old town, just South of the Don, the city beach is bounded by a golf course, of course.  I do my best to avoid it, skirting around the edges of the manicured turf to reach the seafront.  Regular signs punctuate the concrete esplanade – guidelines on how to avoid upsetting the dolphins and porpoises that live around the harbour (“DO NOT try to swim with the dolphins”) and field guides to some of the birds you might see here: oystercatchers, eider ducks, gulls and terns.

If I told you how clean the white sand beach is, up here in the oil capital of Europe, you would never believe me.  You’ll have to visit, to see it for yourself.  When you come, be sure to stop for fish and chips in one of the wonderful chippies where they fillet and batter the fish in front of you before frying it to crisp perfection.  If you’re feeling brave (or lean) try one of the other deep-fried delicacies for which Aberdeen is famous.  I particularly recommend the battered pizza.  If you’re feeling even braver, you could compensate for all those calories by swimming in the freezing sea.  It is the height of summer when I visit; people are out walking and playing on the city’s silver sands, and no-one, but no-one, is venturing into that water.

As I walk along the sand, I see a ship leaving harbour every 10 – 15 minutes; some to the oil rigs, some to the Orkneys or the Shetland isles.  Aberdeen is very much a working place, a city that still prospers on the industries from which it grew: fishing and maritime trade, and – of course – the North Sea oil.

At the edge of the beach, by the mouth of the Don, are three granite frames sculpted from the local stone by Lourdes Cue and donated to the city by Mobil in 1984, at the height of the oil boom.  A small brass plaque tells the name of this sculpture – “windows to the sea” – and little else besides.  Beneath the frames are flowers, laid by unknown hands.  I pause here for a while, and wonder.

windows to the sea

Windows to the Sea

The Scotsman, in its article on Aberdeen art, has this to say about the sculpture: “If you wish, you can think about how all our views – mental and physical – are limited by the frame imposed by our genes, our history and the way our brains are structured.”  The sculpture allows us, physically, to view the vastness of the waters through a cultural frame; somehow, for me, the frame becomes a window through which those left behind wait and watch for their loved ones to return.  So many of them never make it home.

Some days later, as we leave the city, we switch on the radio to hear news break of the Super Puma helicopter ditching in the North Sea.  In my mind’s eye, I lay a flower for the fallen at those frames.  The sea still claims its victims, as it always has, and always will.


dreams of drowning

When I last lived in Spain, there was nothing between me and the sea.  Our street, Calle Virgen del Socorro, clung to the bare rock of Mount Benacantíl at the edges of the city.  From the windows of our 8th floor flat, the view was of infinity.


the view from our window

I dreamed of tsunamis over and over.

Everything was clear – I would be sitting at our table chatting, or hanging out the washing on the balcony, when the water struck.  There was no time to get away.  I felt it hit me, cold and brutal, before I woke up gasping.  Over and over.  I have no idea why; I have never been afraid of drowning – at least, no more than I have ever been afraid of death.  But the sea that filled my senses through the waking day overwhelmed me as I slept.

So much of that year seems like a dream to me, tantalisingly hallucinatory – as though I felt it more than I remembered it.  Only those dreams felt real.  The laundry, damp between my fingers.  The sun on the white plastic clothes-horse.  The movement in the air as I turned to face the water.

That was my first taste of living by the sea.  The air smelled of brine and left a film of sea-spray on our hands.  Everything was rusting.  I grew rosemary on our balcony, the only plant that could withstand the constant battering of sun and salty wind.  One particular evening, I remember, the air was pink with dust, and the full moon rose just as the sun was setting.  Alicante was glowing.  Lucentum.  City of light.

The year itself was the most beautiful, most difficult, I’ve ever lived.  A hundred versions of me drowned by night; in my waking life, only the bare rock of me was left.  Six years of life have softened me with growth again, but I still miss the sea.  I never thought I’d fall in love with what killed me, but I have.

seals and selkies

There is something curiously human about seals, about their dark, dilated eyes and friendliness towards us.  It is not surprising that there is such a wealth of stories about seals taking human form and walking in our world, or acting as guides and protectors as we venture into theirs.  One of the most famous of these stories – retold beautifully by Clarissa Pinkola Estés as ‘Sealskin, Soulskin’ – tells of seal-maidens who take off their seal-skins to dance in human form by the light of the moon.  My personal favourite folkloric encounter with these creatures, however, takes the form of a human journey into their world, deep in the waters beyond John O’Groats.

The Scottish story of the Seal-catcher and the Merman, as told by Elizabeth Grierson in the Penguin book of Scottish Folk and Fairy Tales, is initially a tale about “the one that got away” – the king seal, stabbed by the seal-catcher for his enormous pelt, who escaped into the water with the knife still in his side.  Having given up the chase and turned for home, the seal-catcher meets a stranger on the road who takes him to the edge of the water and pushes him in, dragging him down to the deep-lying kingdom of the seals, where the king now lies dying.  Only the hand that struck the blow can heal him.  The seal-catcher, now transformed into a seal himself, finds he is deeply sorry for the harm that he has caused, and half-expects the seals to seek revenge.  But these are peaceful creatures:

“they crowded round him, rubbing their soft noses against his fur to show their sympathy, and implored him not to be afraid, for no harm would befall him”

All they ask of him is that he removes the knife and washes and dresses the wound – and that he swears an oath to never harm another seal again.  So he swears, even though he knows his family may starve without the money that the seal-pelts bring.  When they return him to the shore, and his seal-form falls away, the reformed seal-catcher turns to shake the hand of the stranger/seal who had accompanied him – but into his outstretched hand, the stranger places a bag of gold, with the words:

“Men shall never say that we took away an honest man’s work without giving him some compensation for it, and here is what will keep you in comfort to your life’s end.”

The tale is fabulous in the truest sense – it could be a fable for these troubled times.  There are not so many seal-hunters now, but seals are still hunted, culled and killed in conflicts with fisheries; they also face contamination from marine pollution, and entanglement in fishing nets and in the human debris that litters our seas.  And only we, who wield these knives, can heal these wounds.

Yesterday, I put my name forward to volunteer with the Friends of Hilbre Island.  One of the many services they offer is seal-watching sessions for the visiting public.  On this island – and in many other places like it – we really can visit the realm of the seals.  And with compassion, with the sight of what we have done, we can inspire the desire to undo it, and the resolve to never see it done again.

a pilgrimage in two parts


To the island.

In cities that
have outgrown their promise people
are becoming pilgrims
again, if not to this place,
then to the recreation of it
in their own spirits.

R.S. Thomas

The first pilgrimage I joined – entirely by accident – was to Santa Faz in Alicante.  I woke one morning to see the street below me thronged with people, all heading in the same direction, all carrying a sprig of rosemary, and I made up my mind to join them.  That was how I learned that rosemary (ros marinus, the dew of the sea) shares its Spanish name with the act of pilgrimage, romero, of which it is a symbol.

Alighting from the train in West Kirby, with a packed lunch and a copy of Laver’s tide table, I stop to pick an overgrowing sprig from a nearby garden to carry with me on my journey.

I have returned, as promised, to walk across the sands to Hilbre, a tidal island in the estuary of a river which was once reputedly a goddess so sacred that her name could not be spoken.  My destination is the “church in the sea” recorded in the Domesday Book; the home of St Hildeburgh, whose chapel stood here for 400 years but leaves no traces now.  The last permanent human resident, a warden, left two years ago; since then, although we visit in our hundreds, the only residents have been non-human; island fauna which, like the flora, flourish in our absence.

The route across the estuary sand is strewn with walkers, all heading in the same direction but (because we are in Britain now) all solitary, making their own way out to the islands.  I follow in their footsteps, feeling the soft shore-sand give way to denser, wave-patterned riverbed and – further out – channels of wet silt where lugworms and razor clams wait for the returning tide.  Following advice, I am wearing walking boots, but I long to sink my toes into the soft silt; so I unlace them, sling them over my rucksack and pick my way across the broken mussel shells to the low, sandstone ridge of Little Eye, and onwards.

Seashores – like riverbanks – are great levellers: everybody has a reason to be here.  Young families push prams across the sand, looking for the shelter of the cliffs.  Teenagers carry plastic bags of sweets and soda, hoping to escape the watching world.  Keen birdwatchers forge on ahead, laden with equipment and shod in even more sensible shoes than my own.  All around us, wet channels snaking through the drier sand tell the story of the shifting tide, how easily it leaves you stranded.

Middle Eye rises up abruptly in a sandstone cliff, with rough-hewn steps leading from the sand to the turf-covered plateau above.  English bluebells bow gently in the shelter of the island’s ferns.  The non-native hybrids have yet to cross this stretch of water.  Away from the wind, the air is heavy with their perfume.  Huge bumblebees tumble from bluebells to thrift and birdsfoot trefoil on the turf.  I pause to drink in the sunshine with the flowers, and lace up my boots for the final stretch.

The tides here play a trick – not breaking in receding waves, but steadily advancing, with a vanguard of white foam.  As I walk towards the sea, the sea walks towards me, at an equal pace.

Finally reaching Hilbre, I feel I am really on an island.  The Northern tip touches the Southern reaches of the Irish Sea.  I sit down on springy turf to eat my sandwiches, looking out to the open water, beautifully bereft of words.  I could not say how long I stayed, but it was long enough to fall in love with that strange, liminal place, between England and Wales, river and sea.

As the tide comes in, seals swim over from their sandbank in the channel, breaking the waves to watch us departing.  The walk to shore seems much shorter, somehow; I am walking towards a known quantity.  Home.  An ascent of steps and, suddenly, I am back on dry land.  A quick left turn towards the station puts the sea behind me, and all the colours of the town suddenly seem so solid – bricks, painted ironwork and broad-leaved trees; no sea-light to illuminate their mystery.

On the train home, the music in my headphones sounds tinny in my throbbing ears.  I take them out.  After a while, I realise I am humming to myself.  The absence of the sea leaves a space that only song can fill.

a pilgrimage in two parts


From the Mersey to the Dee.

You may chat with the neighbours of this and that
And close to your fire keep,
But you’ll hear ship whistle and lighthouse bell
And tides beat through your sleep.

Rachel Lyman Field

Ten months have passed since I last wrote.  I left my studio by the South coast, spent the summer in a field in Somerset, and settled in the garden flat of a townhouse in Liverpool – a city that was once a gateway to the world.  I celebrated Christmas by the Mersey, New Year by the Thames, Twelfth Night by the North Sea and my birthday (a big one) on the shores of the largest lake in Africa, further inland than I have ever been before.  And in the midst of all this movement, I lost sight of the sea.

Today, the call of the tide was too strong to resist, so I packed my pannier for a full day’s cycling and rode down to the river; past the Baltic Triangle of derelict warehouses and refurbished galleries; past the long, narrow streets of the Ropewalks; to the train that would take me under the Mersey, to the Wirral, to the sea.

In all honesty, I have no idea why I chose the Wirral.  I could have chosen Formby, or the Sefton coast.  I hate the Wirral, as a human place – suburban sprawl spreading out over the hemmed-in headland; each last pocket of countryside turned inwards in a desperate grasp for a last gasp of rural air… But, in spite of my misgivings, there is something about this place that draws me onwards, and I keep travelling to find out why.

I disembark at Leasowe on a whim, inspired by the oystercatcher on the station sign.  The first sight that greets me is a factory; the cycle trail leads me alongside it, next to the Birket stream, on a towpath fringed with cow parsley and sheltered by willows.  I keep cycling, breathing in the sun-warmed green, tasting the air for a trace of brine.

The trail meets the coast at Leasowe Common, a broad sweep of duneland rising up to an abrupt embankment which separates land from sea in a severe concrete causeway.  Beyond the causeway is another world, a world of shifting light and sandbanks, sunken forests and fortifications – all watched over by a lighthouse, the oldest of its kind in Europe, fallen now into genteel disuse.

After weeks spent following the gridlines of the city, the skies are suddenly huge.  The wind takes my breath away.  I veer inland, tracing the line between the marshes and the dunes, demarcated by the Birket and the gravel trail.  Apple trees blossom in the shelter of the lower land; beneath them, children fish for tadpoles in a reed-fringed pool.  Wheatears trill, flashing their fabulous tails from point to point along the common on my other side.  Kittiwakes fly overhead.

At the edge of Hoylake, urbanity encroaches, and I move to the embankment once again.  Clouds are gathering over Wales, turning the light silver, silhouetting the boats that are moored along the foreshore.


As I stop to take a picture, a couple notice me and nod a greeting.  They live in a house that faces out to sea, and like to spend their Saturdays sat on the wall of the embankment, passing the time of day with friends and strangers alike.  “Once this place gets under your skin,” I’m told, “you’ll never want to leave.”  I smile and politely agree, my mind quietly working to solve the riddle of the Wirral.  Because, in spite of all this concrete, there is something magical about this place, this land bordered by water; something that keeps calling me back to its shores.  I cycle on.

At Red Rocks beach, the sandstone mass of the Wirral peters out into the silt-sands of the Dee, and I lose the trail.  This is a treacherous shore: tufts of marram grass concealing saltmarsh pools, firm causeways sinking into quicksands.  I pick my way across the with care, guiding my bike where I can find a pathway, carrying it when I can’t.  There is no embankment here, no promenade, yet scores of people are out walking; some dressed up in heels and jewels, simply heading to West Kirby by the quickest route; others pausing, like me, to watch the dunlins and the sanderlings grouping in the estuary. 

I find a driftwood log at the foot of the dunes and sit down to write, looking out across the sands to Hilbre Island and, beyond it, Wales, where the land rises up in waves from the basin of the Dee.  Behind me, skylarks rise and fall, their song a pattern threaded through the wind and the low, constant roar of the tide, timeless and hypnotic.

I am at the edge of everything.

Tomorrow, I promise, I will return.

caffeine galore

For my payday treat each month, I head a little way inland to one of the city’s finest patisseries, and order cake and coffee.  Their coffee is wonderful – roasted in small batches, ground only as needed, prepared with care – and utterly addictive.  And so it comes to pass that I am sipping a long black Americano when I read these words:

“caffeine levels [in the sea] are so high in some coastal areas that it’s used as a marker to determine general water quality”

Caffeine seeps into the sea.  But of course.  Where did I think it went?

I am a caffeine fiend.  Every year, in the Spring, I try to break the cycle of addiction; I usually manage a few days, sometimes weeks, before I succumb to the lure of a hot, bitter coffee in the morning, or a comforting cup of tea at work – in thrall, once more, to that most widely-used of psychoactive drugs.

On the whole, caffeine is among the least toxic of the pollutants that seep into our seas (although it still has an effect).  But, for me, it brings the issue of waterborne pollution uncomfortably close to home.  It’s strange, the sense of ownership I feel over my own addiction and its implications: of course I sometimes drink too much; I get headaches, palpitations, restless legs; I twitch and growl.  It is all part of the price.  But I hadn’t reckoned on passing on this price to others – to the crustaceans secreting stress hormones from low-level exposure to the self-same stuff.

I should know this by now.  What we do to the water in our bodies, we do to the waters of the earth – just as what we do to the earth, we do to our bodies.  I smell the traces, as my body rids itself of these waste elements in its water, and I know that these same traces seep into the waters that surround me, hydrate me, irrigate the crops I eat and cradle the marine life I love.

What is to be done?  I am not ready, yet, to relinquish this great pleasure in my life – but I do know that the next time I decide to quit, on a new moon in Spring, I will carry the body of this knowledge with me.

This mysterious black and bitter Arabian drink, with its power to ward off sleep, is the stuff of legends; some of them stretching back over hundreds of years.  Mindful of its ritual place in Arabian and East African culture, perhaps once I have broken this addiction I will save it for only the most special of occasions.  A small change, perhaps – a drop in the ocean – but a change I feel I need to make.

Quotation from Strands by Jean Sprackland.

halcyon days

walking home along the seafront, the air like bated breath

the sea is beyond blue, today –  it’s the colour of light, and so still that all sense of space is suspended.  The barest ripple of a wave breaks the illusion of the surface

and I am reminded of the halcyon days, when the sea is so still that kingfishers can settle on the shore to lay their eggs.  The perfect blue of these summer evenings, after relentless months of rain; I am glad to see it one more time, at least, before I leave.

My books are packed away in boxes, my flat swept bare and clean; and somewhere in my stories – across seas, across seasons – Ceyx and Alcyone meet again, to nest.